Jeff Shreve

Italy Wins! We Find the Silver (Slugger) Lining...

Hey WBC fans!...(fan?)

The news of the night is, of course, Italy's major upset of Team Canada. Italy moves on...and Canada is DONE. Sad for Canada, and for Twins fans...but also GREAT for Twins fans (and Italy, I suppose)! Little Nicky Punto gets to keep on being an Italian hero for a while longer, and Morneau and Crain return to camp, hungry for some good old-fashioned WINNING. Welcome back, boys! Nice hitting there, Morneau (4 for 9)! Nice pitching there, Crain (4 Ks on 4 batters)! Twasn't your faults, no sir!

If you read my initial WBC post, you'd see that Canada, with Justin Morneau, Jesse Crain, and Corey Koskie, was overwhelmingly the team for Twins fans to root for. Now that they're out (along with South Africa), we have to update our team name. Just to refresh, here were its first two incarnations:

1. CANAUSITADOMUSVEN PUERNETHFRICA
2. CANDUSTRALITAMEX PUEDONEFRICA

Let's go with...UNISTRALITAMEX PUEDONEDÈR (note the accent). And come the early hours of Thursday, we'll be down two more countries. Until then, shout it out...

GO UNISTRALITAMEX PUEDONEDÈR! GO TWINS!

The Stat Used to Determine Our Position Players: Keep it Simple, Stupid!

Welcome to the 2009 edition of "Keep it Simple, Stupid!" As recounted here, I decided last year that the most effective stat to determine who will make the Twins major-league roster out of spring training is, quite simply, at-bats per game. While we may not have the intrigue of 2008's infield AND outfield battles, this year's spring training still has a modest amount of drama to offer. Namely, which well-deserved player is going to be left off of our 25-man roster, weeping and utterly alone in AAA?

Now, I'm kicking off this analysis ten days earlier than last year, and with the WBC muddling things, there will be a few blips in the study. But our team is much more stable than last year at this time, so I think this analysis should still be effective, once we throw in a lil' common sense. Also, I've taken out the non-roster invitees, because C'MON. They're not getting on the team, people. This isn't a Disney movie. NUMBER TIME.

Name	AB	G	AB/G
Denard Span	16	5	3.20
Joe Crede	9	3	3.00
Alexi Casilla	14	5	2.80
Michael Cuddyer	11	4	2.75
Matt Tolbert	16	6	2.67
Justin Morneau	8	3	2.67
Delmon Young	13	5	2.60
Brian Buscher	15	6	2.50
Carlos Gomez	15	6	2.50
Nick Punto	10	4	2.50
Jason Kubel	10	4	2.50
Jose Morales	7	3	2.33
Brendan Harris	9	4	2.25
Wilson Ramos	8	4	2.00
Luke Hughes	6	3	2.00
Mike Redmond	6	3	2.00
Drew Butera	3	2	1.50
Matt Macri	8	6	1.33
Jason Pridie	8	6	1.33
Deibinson Romero	5	5	1.00
Toby Gardenhire	2	2	1.00
Steven Tolleson	2	2	1.00
Trevor Plouffe	5	7	0.71

And right off the bat ('cause he'll be batting leadoff, hehehe...so CLEVER), we get a meaningful result! Even though he's been shuffled around the outfield more than the queen of spades in a game of Old Maid (man, that game taught me to HATE the queen of spades so much), it would appear Denard Span is a lock for one of the starting outfield spots. Crede and Casilla should come as no surprise, of course, as they have been publicly recognized as our starting 3B and 2B, respectively. Next up, though, is Michael Cuddyer, at 2.75 AB per game. That would suggest Cuddyer is our starting right fielder, which leaves only one more outfield starting spot.

First, though, we see Tolbert at a surprisingly high spot, with 16 AB so far in spring training! This is where we dip into the ol' slop bucket of common sense, though. Tolbert has most likely gotten a number of extra AB due to Punto being involved in the WBC. We can probably shave at least 4 AB off his total due to that alone, which would drop him a number of spots lower.

After Tolbert is Morneau (duh), who would be a lock as our starting first baseman even if he had -1 bajillion AB in infinity games...unless the universe then collapsed in on itself, which it very well might in that scenario.

After Morneau is Delmon Young, which is highly significant. Young ever-so-slightly edges out Gomez (2.6 AB/G to 2.5 AB/G) at this point, which would suggest Young is our starting left fielder, and Gomez will be a roaming outfielder. I would say this one's a little too close to call at this point—either Young is our everyday LF, and Gomez is a roamer, or Gomez is our CF, Span is our LF/RF, and Young and Cuddyer roam and occasionally DH. I don't like the latter scenario.

Next down the list is Brian Buscher, who is the first non-starter (not counting Tolbert) to make an appearance. With 2.5 AB per game, I would say Gardy has decided to give Buscher a shot on the bench. Assuming Punto (next in AB/G after Gomez) is our starting SS, Kubel is our everyday DH, and Mauer is our catcher, that takes care of all the starters. And if we also assume Gardy will go with 12 pitchers out of spring training (which I think he has to, with our scarcity of proven long relievers), that leaves four bench spots.

Bench Spot #1: Mike Redmond, for obvious reasons
Bench Spot #2: I believe this will go to either Gomez or Young.
Bench Spot #3: According to our AB/G study, I conclude this will go to Brian Buscher.
Bench Spot #4: Continuing down the AB/G list, it would appear the last bench spot gets snapped up by Brendan Harris (Jose Morales is only higher than Harris in the list above because of Mauer's surgery recovery).

Now, the whole Tolbert issue is still unresolved, because we don't know what his AB/G would be without Punto in the WBC. I believe his AB/G would come incredibly close to those of Harris. I do believe, however, that Harris wins out at this point, with Tolbert getting a call-up when/if we go to 11 pitchers. So, according to my analysis, here are our position players come opening day!

C: Joe Mauer
1B: Justin Morneau
2B: Alexi Casilla
SS: Nick Punto
3B: Joe Crede
CF: Denard Span
RF: Michael Cuddyer
LF: Delmon Young
DH: Jason Kubel
Bench: Mike Redmond, Carlos Gomez, Brian Buscher, Brendan Harris

Poor, poor Tolbert...although I will say, after looking at my conclusions from last year, I like this roster a LOT more.

AL Central Franchises in One Word...

Full disclosure: the idea I explain below was inspired by Stick and Ball Guy's ingenious "Six-Word Player Evaluations."

Stick and Ball Guy has been asking Twins fans to describe Twins players in six words. The results have been hilarious. But I think Twins fans are capable of more. So I'm challenging you guys out there to yet-greater succinctness, ever-wider spheres of description.

I'm asking for ONE word to describe each AL Central franchise. Once I've received a fair number of entries, I'll compile them for all to see, hopefully to humorous effect.

Or who knows? Perhaps we'll gain insight into some greater truth. After all, the greatest knowledge is arrived at only through communal collaboration.

Or maybe we'll just find out how mean (or nice!) Twins fans can be. You can post entries in the comments below, you can post them on Twitter with "@flotsamjeffsam" in the body, you can reply in the thread at the Bat-Cave, or you can reply to the thread in the Facebook group "1,000,000 MINNESOTA TWINS FANS!!!" Here's my entry:

Minnesota Twins: fundamentals
Chicago White Sox: Mordor
Cleveland Indians: classless
Detroit Tigers: ancient
Kansas City Royals: hapless

Happy...word-ing?...I guess?

Don't Call it a Comeback...Wait, Yes, Please DO Call it a Comeback.

Time to update the WBC rosters, baby! And guess who's baaaaack?...

That's right, Twins fans! Corey Koskie is playing for Canada in the WBC (due to a hearty Canadian testimonial from Justin Morneau). This obviously makes Canada, far and away, the team for Twins fans to root for. But let's not get all knee-jerk around here—let's update the math. (Link to my original scoring system here.) After all, Liriano and Mijares have pulled out as well, so we do have some housecleaning to do. Here are the current Twins players participating in the WBC, sorted into four tiers.

1. Deep Twins Prospects Who Haven't Seen Major League Action Yet

James Beresford, IF, AUS
Daniel Berg, IF, AUS
Liam Hendriks, RHP, AUS
Luke Hughes, IF, AUS
Tom Stuifbergen, RHP, NED
Hein Robb, LHP, RSA

3. Prospects Who Intrigue Me, or Major-Leaguers Who I Am Not Particularly Impressed By, but Are Nevertheless on the BEST, PUREST, and NOBLEST Baseball Team Ever, the Twins

Jesse Crain, RHP, CAN
Nick Punto, IF, ITA
Luis Ayala, RHP, MEX
Carlos Gutierrez, RHP, PUR

5. My Favored Current Twins Players in the WBC

Joe Nathan, RHP, USA

7. My Favorite Twins Player in the WBC

Justin Morneau, 1B, CAN

The ranks have noticeably thinned, but I'm actually happy with some of the withdrawals. Let's see which country this puts Twins fans behind.

Canada: 10
USA: 5
Australia: 4
Italy: 3
Mexico: 3
Puerto Rico: 3
Netherlands: 1
South Africa: 1

Canada is already obviously the favorite, but now let's update the honorary Twins. As mentioned previously, each honorary Twin gives a +2 to their country's team, and if I've not included your own honorary Twins, please adjust your calculations accordingly.

Corey Koskie, IF, CAN
David Ortiz, IF, DOM

Dang it! I really wanted to root for Tony Fiore! Oh well. So, in the final tally we have:

Canada: 12
USA: 5
Australia: 4
Italy: 3
Mexico: 3
Puerto Rico: 3
Dominican Republic: 2
Netherlands: 1
South Africa: 1

I would go so far as to call those results DECISIVE. Now to the real work: re-drafting the name of this behemoth. Originally, I dubbed it CANAUSITADOMUSVEN PUERNETHFRICA. Let's see if we can't streamline that....

CANDUSTRALITAMEX PUEDONEFRICA.

And it'll only get shorter as the tournament progresses! So there's that to look forward to...

WBC Final Rosters Due Tuesday, Expect Update Then...

Well, the biggest WBC news thus far for Twins fans has been the made-for-TV-like comeback of Corey Koskie. Koskie will be on Team Canada's roster, and I for one will be watching and hoping for the best.

I'll post again after the final WBC rosters come out on Tuesday with a revised guide (which we may need anyway in case our team is different by Tuesday—knockonwoodknockonwoodknockonwood).

And of course, HELLO JOE CREDE. Pleased to meet you.

Oh Dear, Whomever Shall We Root for? A Guide to the WBC for the Twins Fan...

It's World Baseball Classic time again, peoples! IF YOU HATE THE WBC, LEAVE NOW. There is nothing for you here, save heartache and shattered dreams.

So, if you forgot, here's how it worked in 2006:

I've ranked all Twins players participating in the WBC in order of ascending awesomeness. In other words, the worst Twins player in the WBC will receive a "1", and Johan Santana will receive a "1 Million".

Then, it's a simple matter of adding up the scores for each country. Whichever has the highest score is my favorite team.

Now (ignoring the overwhelming heartache that that Santana mention just elicited), I've made a change this time around. Instead of ranking the Twins players outright, I'm simply going to group them into four point-tiers, 1 (a deep Twins prospect who hasn't seen major league action yet), 3 (a prospect who intrigues me, or a major-leaguer who I am not particularly impressed by, but is nevertheless on the BEST, PUREST, and NOBLEST baseball team ever, the Twins), 5 (my favored current Twins players), and 7 (my favorite Twins player in the WBC). After that, we'll simply add up each country's score as before to determine our allegiances. I've made this slight change to make sure no single player has an extreme amount of statistical weight, as Santana (and more distressing, Silva) did in 2006. TO THE LIST.

1. Deep Twins Prospects Who Haven't Seen Major League Action Yet

James Beresford, IF, AUS
Daniel Berg, IF, AUS
Allan de San Miguel, C, AUS
Bradley Tippett, RHP, AUS
Matthew Williams, RHP, AUS
Liam Hendriks, RHP, AUS
Luke Hughes, IF, AUS
Mauro Schiavoni, RHP, ITA
Raynard Doran, OF, NED
Tom Stuifbergen, RHP, NED
Luis Matos, OF, PUR
Hein Robb, LHP, RSA

3. Prospects Who Intrigue Me, or Major-Leaguers Who I Am Not Particularly Impressed By, but Are Nevertheless on the BEST, PUREST, and NOBLEST Baseball Team Ever, the Twins

Jesse Crain, RHP, CAN
Nick Punto, IF, ITA
Luis Ayala, RHP, MEX
Carlos Gutierrez, RHP, PUR
Jose Mijares, LHP, VEN

5. My Favored Current Twins Players in the WBC

Francisco Liriano, LHP, DOM (currently questionable to participate)
Joe Nathan, RHP, USA

7. My Favorite Twins Player in the WBC

Justin Morneau, 1B, CAN

Hmm, not exactly a star-studded affair. No matter: TO THE ABACUS!

Canada: 10
Australia: 7
Dominican Republic: 5 (may change)
USA: 5
Italy: 4
Puerto Rico: 4
Mexico: 3
Venezuela: 3
Netherlands: 2
South Africa: 1

ONE MORE THING: I think we can all agree that certain players have reached honorary Twins status. These are former Twins players with whom we have formed a lasting bond, an affinity that transcends free agency. Some of these honorary Twins are in the WBC this year, and I feel we would be remiss if we didn't include them in our emotional calculations. Each honorary Twin gives a +2 to their country's team. Reasonable, yes? If I've not included your own honorary Twins, please adjust your calculations accordingly.

Tony Fiore (of 58 mph fame), RHP, ITA
"Everyday Eddie" Guardado, LHP, MEX
A.J. Pierzynski (JUST KIDDING!)
Johan Santana, LHP, VEN

So, in the final tally we have:

Canada: 10
Australia: 7
Italy: 6
Dominican Republic: 5 (may change)
Mexico: 5
USA: 5
Venezuela: 5
Puerto Rico: 4
Netherlands: 2
South Africa: 1

Wow, the USA is pretty low on that list. Canada makes sense, of course, and I've gotten used to the inexplicable Australian presence on the Twins, but I'm honestly surprised by the Italian connection. Oh well, numbers don't lie. GO CANAUSITADOMUSVEN PUERNETHFRICA! And go TWINS!

I've just been informed by spell-check that both "CANAUSITADOMUSVEN" and "PUERNETHFRICA" are misspelled. I WILL NOT BE COWED SO EASILY. I will cheer for the Twins, in whatever form they take, EVEN IF I MUST DEFY BOTH MERRIAM AND WEBSTER THEMSELVES. I will pull them from their cozy towers and drag them into the street, where I shall hurl slang and barbed hyphens at them until their very tongues lay rumpled and limp on the asphalt, their minds blinking and shivering in the boundless darkness.

The Legendary Recounting of the Mythical Journey through Trials, Hardships and Enemies before Heroically Prevailing and Restoring the Kingdom to All

The 2008 recap is bittersweet; this will most likely be my final year-in-review, and many of the events of the past year were too sobering to cheapen by blogging them. I won't recount them here; simply know that for me, 2009 truly feels like (at the risk of sounding melodramatic) the beginning of a new era.

Unfortunately, as I'm far too fond of mentioning, that means an era has to end as well. While history will surely judge it as an era of obscurity, of mind-numbing self-indulgence, and of numerous hyphens, I've had fun, and will have a little more before all is said and done.

Anyway, RECAP!

January 10, 2008: I hatch ideas to serialize a book I wrote in 4th grade, and to create stats to measure performances in American Gladiators. The second idea would rapidly descend into madness.

January 17, 2008: I wasn't joking when I said RAPIDLY. Re-reading this post terrifies me.

January 30, 2008: Johan Santana is traded. After months of continuous, inane coverage and speculation, I am decidedly relieved. Looking at our 2009 rotation, I think the Twins made the right decision, although as I mention at the time, we won't really know until January 2011.

January 31, 2008: I'm solidly ensconced in Gladiators coverage. By now, I've actually begun to compile little tricks for easy points in certain events. It's sad.

February 2, 2008: My Super Bowl call gets a tad out of hand, and the Patriots pay the price.

February 6, 2008: Hulk Hogan mentions three different primate species in three seconds in an extended analogy on American Gladiators. I am dumbfounded.

February 20, 2008: My American Gladiators study mercifully ends. Crush is the best American Gladiator, and I award some other GladiOscars for fun (that's trademarked, by the way, so DON'T EVEN TRY).

February 27, 2008: My Twins spring training checklist makes its debut. We've already achieved a fair number of these this year as well!

March 16, 2008: I determine the Twins starting center fielder using spring training at-bats only. I also determine the starting infielders by the same measuring stick.

April 1, 2008: I begin a project to determine which of my three Twins caps is the lucky one.

May 4, 2008: With the Twins losing 6-0, I put on Hunt for Red October (the hat, not the film—see the sidebar). Twins win 7-6, and Hunt for Red October cements its victory as my luckiest hat.

May 8, 2008: Carlos Gomez hits for the cycle! I blog for the cycle, and laud the considerable talent of my lucky hat.

August 25, 2008: Mired deeply within my blogging malaise, I find a moment to rewrite Hamlet's famous soliloquy.

October 28, 2008: I start writing songs again, starting with this ode to Verizon.

...and then all was silent. As all will be silent soon.

But before we reach that looming precipice, I plan to cover the World Baseball Classic, a small baseball team you may have heard of—the Minnesota Twins—and an as-yet undecided topic. You can also gaze in abject horror at certain other nefarious corners of the web with which I am involved—Once Upon a Week and Over the Line, Mark it Zero.

Until then, I wish you the happiest of new years, the strongest of pitching rotations, the highest of OBP's,and the suckiest of AL Central competition.

Not Blogging Makes Me Sad...

My lack of recent blogging has saddened me more than I thought it would. My past look at the life of blogs now stings presciently. Sure enough, the offseason killed my blog.

In truth, however, the actual culprit here was my professional realignment. In September, I quit my job as Booking Manager at Merkin Concert Hall, and began searching for editorial positions in book publishing. Unfortunately, book publishing chose that exact moment to trip, fall down the stairs, and slip into a coma.

So, I took an internship. A highly valuable and entertaining internship, as it turns out, under Bob Weil at W.W. Norton. However, it turns out that quadrupling your reading and writing habits tends to suppress your blogging urges. CRAZY.

So, I started to consider converting my blog into a printed book, and shuttering it for good...and then Typepad automatically charged my credit card for 2009.

OH IT'S ON NOW.

So instead, I've decided I'll keep it going for the immediate future (as well as I can), and wrap it up properly later in the year, either when I get a full time editorial job, or in December of 2009, whichever comes first. I will still get the blog printed up in book form before I douse it in oil and place it atop the funeral bier (no cold endless sleep for Denethor and Faramir, no!), so if you're interested in that, let me know at some point so I can order more copies. I've also got to hit upon my final silly blog project, tentatively titled

"The Final Era of an Ender of Eras: Era's Revenge: This Time, It's Personal...Again"

So, yeah. Let me know if you have any ideas. For now, I'll start working on my laughably overdue 2008 recap, and preparing for the World Baseball Classic. It's good to be back.

Merriam Webster Throws Down Some Hot Sh*t....

Flipping through the dictionary today (it's what I do now, stop laughing), and came across this:

Siege Perilous n (15c):

a seat at King Arthur's Round Table reserved for the knight destined to achieve the quest of the Holy Grail and fatal to any other occupying it

That is just f*cking awesome. Why have I never heard of this before?! And how exactly did they enforce that policy? Or did the chair itself possess some sort of dark magic? I must know.

Bonus definition on same page:

sieve of Eratosthenes n (1803):

a procedure for finding prime numbers that involves writing down the odd numbers from 2 up in succession and crossing out every third number after 3, every fifth number after 5 including those already crossed out, every seventh after 7, and so on with the numbers that are never crossed out being prime

I like how it sounds so cool at first, and then the more you read, the more you realize how stupid it is. "I shall now invoke the SIEVE OF ERATOSTHENES!...uh, I'll be back in about 15 years...oh yeah, er, does anyone have like a f*cking TRUCKLOAD of scratch paper?"

Yet Another (Hopelessly Idealistic) Song

Did another quick song (songlet? nanosong? twittersong?) for Once Upon a Week. Lyrics and link below.

"Have You Ever?" - Link to song

Have you ever wanted something so bad,
You knew you wouldn't fail?

Have you ever then failed?
Blindsided, shattered, shocked, in tatters....

Have you ever built up fences?
No surprise, no risk, no chances....

Have you ever given your life over?
Let someone else define your limits?

And have you ever opened up the curtains,
on a windy day?
Watched the leaves, the trees, watched the living things sway?
Have you lifted yourself up to face the world again, knowing that....

Life gets better, life gets better, life gets better every day....(repeat)

Life gets better, when you want it to....(repeat)

New Song - "So Ubiquitous"

Just wrote another song for fun at Once Upon a Week. Actually, strike that. It's a totally serious, hard look at that Verizon commercial where the Verizon guy simulates being a pregnant woman in order to make sure the Verizon network is up to the challenge. Lyrics and link below.

"So Ubiquitous" - Link to song

Got some help stepping down the stairs, we take 'em
One at a time,
Two arms linked in mine.

Look down the street at the passing cars, we hail a
Cab as the plan unfurls,
The driver's curls bouncing up and down.

And now he says that I'm doing great, we're late,
"Take the tunnel," says the other, that's a mandate,
You can totally tell that it's a mandate.

And then we nod in the darkness closing,
We know where this is unfortunately going,
Time for the ubiquitous tagline.

(So ubiquitous, so ubiquitous, so ubiquitous...)

CHORUS:
Can you hear me now? Good.
Can you hear me now? Good.
Can you hear me now? That's good. Let's just try it one more time now.
Can you hear me now? That's really good. We're just getting right to the center of the tunnel now, this would be a good time to test.
Can you hear me now?...Wow! That's, that's really good. Let's just do it one more time, since we're here.
Can y--wha, what? What's...what? We're--we're done? We're done. Oh, OK. No no, no, that's cool. That's fine, that's fine...I mean, it would have been nice to know, you know, like, ahead of time. But uh, that's, that's cool, whatever.

An Incredibly Brief Political Observation...

Normally, I hate discussing politics. Every politician is always hiding something, or attempting to massage voters with vague notions designed to offend no one while usually inspiring no one as well (Obama's had some shining moments, but he's regressed to the mean at times as well).

But then I saw this clip over at Gothamist. And my brain suddenly processed the fact that, if McCain is elected, Sarah Palin would be the second-most powerful person in the U.S. And then I realized that I hadn't really heard her say anything with real content. And then I realized that that was because the GOP won't let her speak.

And then I got a little scared.

So please: if you're considering voting for McCain, take a second to pretend that you're instead voting for Sarah Palin for president. And if you're cool with that idea, then go right ahead.

In Honor of Hamlet II, a Writing Mishap...

I've just begun writing again at Once Upon a Week with my fellow Week-lings (hmmm, that doesn't sound quite right), and wanted to post what I did for this past week here, mainly for The Anglophile's sake.

And no, I'm not even going to address the past few months of no-blogging; I'm just going to start up again and pretend like nothing ever happened.

So, this week I decided to make fun of the stylish abbreviations that litter our language nowadays (like "fro-yo," "ab-fab," "IMHO," "LOL." etc.). I did this by updating the famous Hamlet "To be, or not to be" soliloquy in this new fashion. Here's a link to the original, for comparison. Enjoy.

2 B, or not 2 B: that’s the Q:
Wheth 'tis nobler in the mind 2 suff
The slarrows of ‘rageous 4tune,
Or 2 take armz ‘gainst a C of troubs,
And byposing end ‘em? 2 die: 2 sleep;
No more; and by a sleep 2 say we end
The h-ache and the thousand natshocks
That flesh is heir 2, 'tis a consmation
‘voutly 2 be wish'd. 2 die, 2 sleep;
2 sleep: perch 2 dream: ay, there's th'rub;
4 in that sleepdeath what dreamz may come
When we’ve shuft off this m-coil,
Must give us P: there's the respect
That makes cal-M-T of so liiiiiife;
4 who would bear the scorps of time,
The opp-sor's wrong, the proman's C-tumely,
The pangs of D-spis'd luv, the law's D-lay,
The slence of office and the spurnz
That patmerit of the unworthy takes,
When hehim might his Q-tus make
With a baredkin? who would fardelz bear,
2 grusweat under a wearlife,
Buthat the dread of some-T after death,
The undisc'd country from whose bourn
No travler returns, puzzes the will
And makes us rath bear th’illz we have
Than fly 2 others that we known’t of?
Thus contch does make cowds of ‘sall;
And thus the nate hue of rezloosh
Is sicklied o'er wi’the palcast of thought,
And entprises of great pitchoment
Wi’this regard their curntz turn awry,
And lose th’name of action.-- Soft U now!
Da fair Ophie! Nimf, in thy orisons
B’all my sinz rember'd.

Take a Second to Appreciate Humankind's Unexpected Capacity for Profound Kindness

The simple ideas are the ones that always work. I want to have a beer with the WORLD right now.

I am Copy-Editor, Hear Me Bore...

I'd like to take a break from our regularly scheduled programming (actually, I've already been taking a substantial break from programming, haven't I?) to put something out there into the ether.

I recently completed a copy-editing course at the New School as part of my attempt to switch careers. I currently work as a booking manager at a New York concert hall, but I've wanted to start working in editing for some time. I couldn't really reveal this on this site for obvious reasons, but I am finally able to break radio silence. My last days as a booking manager will be toward the end of August or beginning of September, and I have begun the awkward, humbling, and sometimes depressing experience of "Looking for a Job." If any of you kind souls out there know of anyone in editing or copy-editing, or have anything that needs to be copy-edited, or just want to give me the ol' fist pound in congratulations, let me know! I will totally repay you in dedicatory blog posts, bowling strikes, or pitchers of beer, as those seem to be my currency of choice.

And just to clarify that last sentence, yes, I did intend for the adjective "dedicatory" to apply to the entire list, including "pitchers of beer." It will be awesome.

Gomez Hits for Cycle! I Blog for Cycle in Honor of Achievement.

GOMEZ HOORAY! Carlos hits a leadoff HR, then triple, then double (advancing to third on error), then infield single to become the first Twin since the much-venerated and cherished Kirby Puckett to hit for the cycle, and the first time I've seen someone hit it in reverse order.

Fun fact: Gomez was not quite one year old when Kirby did that.

So, in honor of the young lad's achievement, I will now blog for the cycle in reverse as well. You might think my task is ludicrously easy compared to actually hitting for the cycle (I will write a 4-sentence paragraph, followed by a 3-sentence paragraph, etc.), but I will endeavor to make my seemingly-simple task coherent and logical. And let's not forget: writing coherently and logically while blogging is a monumental task in itself. Seriously, have you ever read a blog?

Anyway, Gomez's success tonight also gives me a little optimism long-term, although his whole running-out-of-the-gate method of bunting still irks me. Also encouraging is Livan's continued success, despite my initial belief that he was Ponson 2.0. Here's hoping he can keep hitters off-balance for many innings to come!

And here's to Little Nicky Punto as well: 5 RBI?! LNP, whichever God of Luck you've started praying to, keep it up you crazy bastard!

And speaking of luck, guess which hat I was wearing tonight?

"Home Sweep Home": Twins Sweep Triggers My Search for Bad Pun

May 4, 2008: Twins beat Tigers 7-6.

After getting home from lunch, I turned on the Twins game in the top of the 4th inning. With the score 6-0 Tigers, I thought it might be a good opportunity to experiment. I grabbed Hunt for Red October and slapped it on my head.

Top of the 5th: 6-1. Top of the 6th: 6-3. Top of the 8th: 6-7. If I were a reasonable, intelligent, observant individual, I would rightly award the lion's share of the credit for the Twins victory to Boof Bonser, who kept his cool and recovered from a horrendous 1st inning to throw 5 more scoreless frames. Or perhaps to the Twins' 9 through 4 hitters, who accounted for all 7 Twins runs. Or perhaps to the Twins bullpen, who tossed 3 more scoreless innings.

But I'm not a reasonable individual. I'm a superstitious hack. Therefore, IT WAS THE HAT. THE HAT IS ACTUALLY LUCKY. THE HAT GOT US THE WIN.

Think about that 4-run 7th inning. Tolbert hits a nice double to get it started. Then Punto hits a grounder to third, and reaches on an ERROR (first lucky event). Gomez hits a chopper OFF THE PLATE, which bounces high and allows him to reach first, while Tolbert scores (second lucky event). Harris's ground-rule double could possibly be called an unlucky event, but not in the Dome. That just happens on the turf, all the time. Then Mauer hits a grounder that just barely squeezes past two outstretched gloves to score the tying and go-ahead runs (third lucky event). That's a pretty sweet inning, if you ask me.

Anyway, we're in first by 1.5 games in the AL Central, which is awesome, completely unexpected, and will probably be short-lived.

UNLESS I NEVER TAKE THE HAT OFF AGAIN.

Photo by TI Journal.

Finally: First Real Evidence that Maybe Less Boof Actually is More

"Not this time," muttered Boof. "This time I'll pitch shut-out innings until I can pitch no more. This time I'll snag a nubber down the first-base line and run it to the bag ALL BY MYSELF. This time I'll jump (that's right, JUMP!), grab a bounder, and turn a single into an out."

"Not this time," proclaimed Delmon. "This time I'll get hits. This time I will DRAW A WALK. This time I will set and hit the cut-off man, like a mature adult. Perhaps I'll wash some dishes tonight and prepare a sensible dinner before retiring to bed with a Dickens novel...or perhaps not."

"Not this time," mumbled Morneau. "This time I won't be able to help out the team. This time I'll hit the ball in the air, but it will somehow remain INSIDE THE PARK. Weird."

"Not this time," cheered Gomez. "This time I WON'T GET A STRIKEOUT! Pretty sweet, huh? Of, course I won't get a hit either. Maybe next time?"

Not this time, Bitch Sox. NOT THIS TIME.

April 29, 2008: Twins beat Permanently Tarnished Franchise 3-1. Hunt for Red October is now 5-1.

Rangers Make 3 Errors, Not Including Signing Ponson

April 26, 2008: Twins beat the Rangers 12-6.

Welcome back, Michael Cuddyer! Way to give us those much-needed 4th, 5th, and 6th insurance runs with your "I'm back!" jack.

Also, a warm welcome to new (Walker) Texas Ranger, Sidney Ponson. The announcers did their best to convince themselves that Ponson showed promise, reminding us that Ponson only allowed one earned run. That's the exact rationalizing I LOVE to hear other teams make; after all, some teams have to suck, right? Better them than us.

Also also, those Texas ballgirls are cute! This led to a VERY unfortunate exchange with G, culminating in the ill-advised statement, "She can shag my foul balls anytime!" I promise you, we are usually very tasteful and mature grown men, please don't judge us on this story.

...OK, we're actually not very tasteful or mature at all, now that I think about it.

Last, I wore Red October again tonight, and it is racking up some serious stats. 4-1, 30 runs scored, 23 runs allowed. That's just purty right there. Let's keep rolling, boys.

Hints of Luck in Twins' Sneaky Win...

I was wearing Hunt for Red October this afternoon, and for the first time, I may have noticed some honest-to-goodness lucky events. There was a down-the-pipe curveball that was somehow called a ball for the Twins, a liner down the third base line that managed to just barely curve foul for the Indians, Gomez's diving catch that landed in his glove after his face hit the ground (also lucky in that play is that Gomez didn't break a rib), and of course Morneau's seeing-eye single that scooted into the outfield for the winning run in the bottom of the 10th, after two other two-out singles.

That puts Red at 3-1, and I'm thinking of sticking with him going forward until events dictate otherwise.