Jeff Shreve

A-Rod Declares Self A$$hole of the Year

As many of you have been forced to read EVERYFRACKINGWHERE, A-Rod opted out of his unbelievably lucrative, unbelievably ludicrous, unbelievably undeserved (at least for October) contract with the Yankees. As this development does not really concern the Minnesota Twins in any way, shape, or form, I am fully liberated to make light of it! So, let's look at which teams A-Rod could end up with that would result in MAXIMUM humor potential.

1. The New York Yankees
This would be awesome for any non-Yankees fans. It would make the owner and GM look dumb, Scott Boras look evil, and A-Rod just look like an utter fool. Then he would have the worst, most awkward season ever.

2. The Boston Red Sox
Humorous to anyone not in the AL East. Can you imagine how uncomfortable this would be for everyone involved? The fans would have to convince themselves that they liked A-Rod, and the Red Sox would have to get rid of their World Series MVP. This would obviously also result in A-Rod having a truly horrible season.

3. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Perfect team for a man who has ONE career RBI in the last three postseasons. Don't have to worry about October performance now, A-Rod!

4. The New York Mets
Would the fans cheer him? Would he fire his agent? Probably not, on both counts.

5. The Minnesota Twins
Hey, we've got a hole to fill at third base! Hmm, let's see ... I just know we've got a coupon here in the wallet somewhere ... just give me a second here ... er, do you take food stamps?

Boy Doesn't Realize Ninjas ARE Weapons

Park Slope...

BOY: But every Halloween I see two or three ninjas, and their parents let them have swords!
MOM: Well yeah! But they're probably ten...or six!

Out of all of this, it's the mother's random age choices that really fry my brain. That's gonna keep me up tonight.

A New York Welcome...

Well, we're back. We went to Aruba. It was grand. We took pictures. The water was clear as glass, the sand as white as snow, the fish as fresh as fresh fish. The suite had cable. The plane had cable. The boats had open bars. Did I mention it was grand?

Then we came back. As we lugged our bags into the subway, we just missed the waiting train as it closed its doors and sped off. As the conductor's car passed us, the mocking conductor thought it necessary to add, "Awww! Too bad!"

We grabbed the next one, which traveled precisely one stop, to "North Conduit Ave" before coming up lame. "This train is now out of service," came the toneless announcement over the intercom. Out the passengers piled. We asked when the subway would be running again. They gave us phone numbers for taxi services. Three hours after arriving in New York, we dragged ourselves through the front door.

This city is a fickle, petulant child.

"Law and Order" is a GREAT Nickname for Your Fists!

Man, I have fallen SO FAR behind on the music train! Despite the Jeff-Decree that passed both the Jeff-House and the Jeff-Senate years ago, stating that all Jeff-citizens are required by law to purchase new albums by certain artists, regardless of the actual or expected quality, I have recklessly flouted Jeff-law and Jeff-order by not ordering the following albums yet:

1. Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
2. The National - Boxer
3. Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris
4. White Stripes - Icky Thump
5. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky
6. Feist - The Reminder
7. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver

This is bad. This is REAL bad. I blame it all on the bankruptcy of Tower Records. I'm a little worried that when I walk into Barnes and Noble to pre-order Harry Potter 7: Harry Gets Hairy In New And Private Places, I'm going to walk out $150 poorer.

Luckily, Barnes and Noble's music selection is so piss-poor they won't have most of these albums. Whew!

Actually, that's more depressing than relieving. I have to find a new music store that sells actual CD's. STAT.